thank you for your patience.
We are experiencing extremely high call volume.
Your call will be answered in the order it was received.
All poets are currently busy attending to other broken hearts.
If this is an emergency, please contact
your local jaded bartender,
Anne Sexton’s ghost,
a disillusioned parish priest,
or the first stray dog you can find.
Thank you for waiting.
You have reached
The Heartbreak Department.
Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed:
If you would like to complain about love lost, press 1.
If you would like to lament love rejected, press 2.
To whine about love’s poor timing, press 3.
To cry about love’s cruelty, press 4.
For complaints about
men in general,
women in general,
the undecided in general, or
some person specifically,
(Note: Line 5 hold times are now measured in geological ages.)
For complaints about love’s frailty, press 6.
For grief counseling due to the death of love, press 7.
For complaints about loneliness, please press 8.
(Please note: No one actually answers line 8.
But, the website should be up and running before the next election.)
If you wish to contact God, she is out right now. She could return tomorrow.
With faith, anything’s possible.