You wouldn’t know it t’look at ‘er,
But my mother-in-law’s a Bona-fide Hillbilly Dennist, bless gawd.
She’s got a suthern’ accent ‘n she’s
Been to Kentucky ‘n everthin’.
Once or twice a month
She comes back from a fun lunch with her Charming co-workers,
and if she done et Mexican, ‘n had some o’dem chips and salsa,
the inevitable happens:
her crown tries to flee the scene of the crime.
So she’ll sit at her Respectable Desk
In her Respectable Office
On the Respectable Side of Town,
and doctor’s up her bad ole tooth.
With her Respectable Arsenal of
Hillbilly Dentist Tools-
that’s “pilfered office supplies” to the resta you people-
(Plastic push-pins, a couple a kleenex, and tube a superglue),
She come back to her desk after lunch
With her escaped crown captured
(just like on The Bounty Hunter-poor thang didn’t have a chance)
in her pocket.
Crouching down, eyes shifting,
She grabs the thumbtack and scrapes that bad boy clean.
She douses it in a fresh round of delicious super glue,
Wipes off the extry with a kleenex,
Taking care to trash it, rather than put it back in her pocket-
she’s smart, y’know, bein’ in the medical field-
And that thang’s ready to go.
Looking through her hillbilly-doctored eyeglasses,
(She moonlights as a Hillbilly Optometrist)
she makes sure the tooth is facin’ rightly,
(Praying the phone don’t rang)
And shoves that thing back where it belongs.
One good bite, an ever-thang’s right as rain.
When she gets home,
After a full day’s work at her Real Job
(with a desk and a chair and a lamp)
She checks out her grandson’s two-front teef.
She pulls out a pencil she sharpened with a hacksaw,
and writes that child a scrip for a crisp apple
on the back of a used kleenex
she done found in her pocket.
She informs him she’s gotta real nice setta pliers,
if’n the apple should prove inadequate.
Seriously, who needs insurance when there’s Hillbilly Medical Care?